The Adventures of Sami and Jess
by GateKeeperSyn
Summary: A series of tongue-in-cheek one-shot fics about Sami Callihan and Jessicka Havok. (The first one is about saving the world from Alien Zombie Marks who inspire bad booking at WWE, just to give you an idea.) If you enjoyed my Bray Wyatt fics, you'll probably be amused by these as well. If you love Sami and Jess as much as I do, please read!
1. Chapter 1

**SAMI & JESS**

 _ **SAVE THE WORLD (OF WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT)**_

It was a day like any other. _(They usually are.)_ Sami Callihan and his stunningly awesome girlfriend Jessicka Havok were just standing around minding their own business _(see: making out)_ when suddenly, a strange object appeared in the sky above them.

"What the fuck is _that_?!" Jess asked in shock.

"What? I'm happy to see you," Sami said, assuming she was referring to what she felt rubbing up against her.

"Not _that_ , Sami," Jess said with a laugh. "I'm _very_ familiar with that. I'm talking about _that_." She pointed at it.

"Holy balls!" Sami proclaimed. "That's a fucking UFFO!"

"U-F- _F_ -O?" Jess asked.

"Unidentified _Fucking Flying_ Object!"

"Right. What the hell is going on?" Jess grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the spot where the large ship was coming down. It landed on top of a building they both knew.

"That's the WWE's Corporate Headquarters!" Sami pointed out helpfully. "They've come for the McMahons!"

"Good," Jess said with a laugh, but even she knew they couldn't just sit back and let this happen. "Come on. We need to figure out what's going on here."

They crept into the WWE headquarters carefully. Sami was on the NXT roster, so technically, he didn't have to sneak around, but Jess had no official ties to the company and they'd probably kick her out. Jess walked with a ninja-like precision, careful not to be seen.

When they arrived at the office of Triple H, they could hear him talking to someone. The door was partially open. Inside, to their horror, a group of Alien Zombie Marks stood speaking to Triple H.

"You _must_ do this," their leader insisted in a hiss.

"Yessss," the others echoed. "You mussssst…"

"I… Must?" Triple H replied.

"He's in some sort of trance," Sami whispered.

"How can you tell the difference? I thought he _always_ looked like that," Jess whispered back.

"Yesssss. Book it!" The leader insisted.

"Book it! Book it!" The others added.

"I need to book it…" Triple H paused. "Wait, book _what_ again?"

"Ssssssscena! Book Cena!" The leader said.

"Right, Cena… Against who?"

" _Everyone_! Cena against the world! And he must win! Every sssssingle time!"

"Every time?"

"Let'ssss go Sssssscena!"

"But… Cena sucks?"

"He's trying to resist," Sami said. "Even Triple H knows this is a horrible idea."

"He's not strong enough, Sami," Jess whispered in horror. "Look at him! He's about to cave. We have to stop this from happening."

""Book it! Book it _now_!" They insisted. 

"John Cena… Against… Um… Lesnar?" Triple H asked.

"Sssssuplex Ssssscity!" They chanted.

"And John Cena against… Kevin Owens?"

"Revenge! Revenge for Ssssscena!"

"And John Cena against… Undertaker?"

"Yessss! Bury him! Bury the Dead Man!" The leader proclaimed.

"And John Cena against… Me? Wait, do I get to win?"

"No. Ssssscena mussssst kick out at two!"

"Kick out at two…" Triple H nodded, writing it all down. "And Cena against Dean Ambrose?"

"Yesssss! Ambrosssssse jobsssss again!"

"Now wait just one _fucking_ minute!" Sami shouted. He'd had enough.

Jess shrugged. If any of the ideas were worth interrupting, it was this one. "Triple H, snap out of it!" She shouted, charging in after Sami, who had bitch slapped the leader of the Alien Zombie Marks. The leader bitch slapped him back, so Sami did it again.

 _This could go on for a while,_ Jess thought with a sigh as the two went back and forth. "Listen to me, Triple H! Those ideas are _terrible_ ," she insisted.

"No! I love it! The _fans_ will love it!" Triple H insisted.

"Listen, dumbass, the fans don't _want_ John Cena shoved down their throats every fucking week!"

"Okay, okay… So someone will beat him… But who?" He paused.

"Reignsssss!" The leader shouted.

"Reigns! Yes, Roman Reigns can beat John Cena! It'll be great! On a Pay-Per-View! Maybe even at Wrestlemania!"

"Oh, for shit's sake! You're kidding, right?" Jess demanded. "Sami! Shut that guy up!"

"I'm trying!" Sami told her. He punched the Alien Zombie Mark in his groin. The leader howled in pain and doubled over.

"Dude, listen to me," Jess said urgently. "This is some of the worst booking you've ever considered. You'll sink the company!"

"But these ideas are _great_! Who else should I book?" Triple H asked.

"Anyone against Ambrosssse!" One cried out.

"Yes! Yes, see? Ambrose! Great!"

"And he mussssst lose!" Another added. "Ambrosssse must _always_ lose!"

"But… He's a great talent…"

"Who musssst lose! It'sssss better that way!" The leader said, regaining his ability to speak.

"Better… Okay. Okay, Ambrose is a jobber," Triple H said.

"Like Ryder! Team him with Ryder!"

"Woo-woo-woo!" The others proclaimed.

"You know it!" Triple H replied. "Fantastic! Screw Mojo! That gimmick isn't good for Ryder anyway… Ambrose and Ryder, the greatest team of jobbers in the history of the business!"

Sami was seeing red now. He manifested a beer bottle out of nowhere and smashed it over Triple H's head. "Over your dead body!" Sami proclaimed. "You are _not_ turning my best fucking friend into a fucking jobber!"

"Sami, stop! Triple H isn't the enemy," Jess said. "These fucking alien zombie mark things are!"

The Alien Zombie Marks ran toward the exit. They raced upstairs. "After them!" Sami shouted. He and Jess ran toward them. They hurried up the stairs and reached the roof. The creatures stood on top of the roof waiting for the opportunity to escape.

Jess gasped as she saw the side of the ship. "Look!" She said, pointing to the words written on it.

 _WWE Creative._

Sami's eyes widened as he said, "You know, that explains _so_ much!"

"Sami, we _have_ to stop them! They're ruining wrestling for all of the fans. People think WWE is what wrestling is _supposed_ to be, but with the shit they're selling Triple H, they've destroyed the business!" Jess declared.

"Destroyed wrestling? No! I won't stand for that!" Sami pulled a kendo stick out of thin air. It was wrapped in barbed wire.

Jess smiled and manifested a steel chair with thousands of thumb tacks glued onto it with the points facing out.

"How did you _do_ that?" The leader demanded.

"It's _indy magic,_ bitch!" Jess replied.

"Welcome to CZW, Motherfucker!" Sami added.

"But… But… That's not PG!" The leader proclaimed in horror.

"Fuck PG!" Sami and Jess shouted in unison.

"Nooooo! You have offended me! My _children a_ re watching!"

"Fuck your children! Put their asses to bed or tell them to grow the fuck up or fuck off!" Sami said. He swung the kendo stick toward the leader, slicing him open with the barbed wire. The leader bled red, which pleased Sami. _(Blood just wasn't the same in other colors.)_

The Alien Zombie Mark underlings tried to escape from them, but Jess began attacking with her shiny thumb tack chair. Soon, everyone was bleeding, and as they lay dying, so did their terrible, terrible storyline ideas.

"Fuck you, WWE Creative!" Jess shouted.

"Fuck yeah!" Sami added.

Finally, every last one of the Alien Zombie Marks was dead. Jess and Sami were gasping for breath and riding the adrenaline together. Sami pulled her into his arms for a kiss.

And so, the world was saved from truly terrible booking thanks to the heroic efforts of Sami and Jess.

"That was fun," Jess said. "How will we ever top this adventure?"

Sami grinned at her mischievously. "Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something."

 _ **AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_ _I really wanted to write a story about Sami Callihan and Jessicka Havok, but a normal fic didn't seem to work. I happen to think they're a very cute couple and their couple photos amuse me, but I knew I could never tell a traditional story and do them justice, so I came up with the idea to do a series of one-shot stories thrown together to paint a humorous picture of their many adventures. I will be updating this fic randomly as new adventures inspire me. If you liked this one, please follow this fic so you'll know when I post new ones. Any reviews are appreciated. This is obviously meant to be a tongue-in-cheek humor fic, so expect a lot more of that. If you enjoyed my kayfabe Bray Wyatt fics, you'll probably enjoy these stories, too!_


	2. Chapter 2, Don't Follow the Buzzards

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_ _If you haven't read_ _ **The Super Secret Sisterhood of Female Wrestlers,**_ _you may want to skip this one-shot because there are a couple of spoilers in here and references to the events of that fic. If you read the Bray Wyatt one-shots and enjoyed them, this one's for you! (I just can't seem to let that universe die, LOL. The support for my Bray fics has been great, so I felt like I owed you guys another adventure.)_

 **SAMI AND JESS (DON'T) FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS**

It was a rainy, dark, dreary, day. Sami and Jess enjoyed days like this. _(They were perfect for making out or watching horror movies. Besides, the sunlight burned!)_ Today, however, something seemed... _off._

"Do you hear that?" Jess asked. She could swear she heard eerie, off-key humming in the distance.

Sami paused to listen. "Wait... What _is_ that?" He asked as he heard it, too. "It's so familiar..." Suddenly, he picked up the tune and began to sing along. _"He's got the whole wo-orld in his hands..."_

A chill ran down Jess's spine. "No way," she said. "It... It _can't_ be... He's dead."

" _Who's_ dead?" Sami asked.

"Bray Fucking Wyatt!" Jess shouted in a whisper. _(She was talented like that.)_

"Bray Wyatt's not dead," Sami said in confusion. "I mean, sure, his promos have gotten kind of lame and he just keeps spewing the same cryptic crap now, but he's still alive... I think."

"No, Sami, you don't understand! A while back, I had an adventure without you... A secret one with a group I'm not allowed to talk about because it's a _Super_ Secret, but the things you think you know are _lies_. A lot of people aren't who you think they are. We replaced them with clones after they died in battle. Bray Wyatt was at the center of it. I watched him die."

Sami nodded. "Oh, that? Right, I heard about that! I forgot."

"You _heard_?" She paused. "And how the hell do you _forget_ something like that?"

Sami shrugged. "Mox told me. Him and his Shield boys were there, right?"

"I forgot Moxley can't keep his mouth shut around you... Yeah, he was there. Anyway, Wyatt's dead. So how the fuck is he _here_?"

"Maybe it's his replacement?"

"Hardly. Fake Wyatt doesn't radiate that kind of power... or odor."

Sami considered this. "So what should we do?" He asked at last.

"Run," a voice said.

"Holy Sheep!" Sami cried as he jumped, turned, and spotted a peculiar man in a mask.

"Rowan?" Jess asked. "I thought you dedicated yourself to Velvet Sky."

"He _did,_ " a familiar voice said. Jess spotted her and did a double-take.

"Velvet?" She asked in disbelief. "You _almost_ look cool. When did _that_ happen?"

Velvet had punked-out her wardrobe and hair. She smiled coldly, looking angry and ready to beat the everliving shit out of someone. Jess was starting to like this new side of her.

"Been a while, Havok," Velvet said. "You missed a lot."

"What are you _doing_ here?" Jess asked.

"Following the buzzards, of course," she said as though this should be obvious.

"Hey Velvet," Sami said.

"This is my boyfriend, Sami," Jess said, feeling bad for not doing it sooner.

"Duh," Velvet said. "We've done indy shows together."

"Right... So how did you know Wyatt was here?" Jess tried not to be jealous. Sami never would have wanted that glorified ring rat when she was a Beautiful Person, but now she looked hot as fuck and even Jess wouldn't have turned her down, so how could her boyfriend resist Velvet's allure?

"Rowan realized it the last time he saw Bray. It wasn't the clone. He called me right away and we decided he'd go undercover with his old mask," Velvet said.

Suddenly, Jess heard an eerie cackle. She turned around and saw Bray Wyatt looking down on them from a nearby tree.

"Whoa!" Sami cried. "How the fuck did you get up there?! You're a fucking ninja, _aren't_ you?"

"My son, you will learn all my secrets in good time," Bray promised, "so long as you follow the buzzards." He jumped down as gracefully as a cat and landed on his feet before walking toward them.

"Follow the bozo. Got it," Sami said.

"No, no, _buzzards._ "

"Birdbrains. Check."

" _Buzzards_!"

"Buzzers? Ooooh, are we on a game show? Welcome to _Name That Cult_! Name the family of bearded weirdos who take orders from an invisible sister their leader likes to kiss! Hmmm, that sounds kind of incestuous, actually... Whatever floats your crazy little boat, Good Sir!"

"Quiet!" Bray shouted. " _I_ am a _God_ amongst men, Mere Mortal, and you _will_ bow down to me!"

" _You_? A _God_?" Sami laughed. "Please. Can _you_ wear a fanny pack like it's a fricking lightning bolt from Zeus? I don't _think_ so!"

Bray looked at him in confusion. Sami had bought them time. Jess jumped in. "Oh yes, that's right," she said. "We worship Jon Moxley, not _your_ poser ass!"

"All hail the almighty Mox!" Sami proclaimed.

"No! You will follow _me_ , you fools!" Bray protested.

"We are the Church of CZW!" Jess and Sami said in unison.

"Our Midnight Mass includes a Cage of Death," Jess said.

"Our most sacred hymn is _Sweet Caroline_ ," Sami added.

Velvet and Rowan seemed to be communicating with each other telepathically. Sami and Jess continued to keep Bray distracted. "We require blood sacrifices," Jess said.

"And for another to attempt to wear the fanny pack is blasphemy!" Sami said.

"Your blasphemy must be punished!" Jess finished.

Velvet nodded at Rowan. He grabbed Bray and restrained him. Velvet kicked him in the head before hitting a Beauty-T.

Bray howled, but he wasn't done. He closed his eyes and began whispering something. Rowan froze, which made Velvet pause in caution, waiting to figure out what the problem was. That was when Bray spoke again.

"You fools! I did not come here alone," he declared. "After all, _she_ is _always_ with me." He laughed.

"I hope he's talking about his shrink," Sami said. "She must make a fortune off of him!"

Jess had a feeling they weren't going to be that lucky. Sure enough, the air turned deathly cold. Velvet looked around frantically and Jess knew she was hoping for the Undertaker to make an appearance, but this was something else...

A terrifying-looking girl appeared from the shadows. _Fuck,_ Jess thought. _Fuck, fuck,_ fuck _! We're so screwed..._

"I am eternal! I shall never die! She brought me back, you see," Bray said. "Everyone, I want you to meet her. Know she is the last person you will see before you perish in agony!"

"That sounds like a _ton_ of fun," Sami said, "but I'm busy today. Can we do it some other time? Like a quarter to Never?"

"Abigail, they refuse to follow the buzzards," Bray said. He reminded Jess of a toddler tattling on kids who'd bullied him.

Abigail glared at them. Jess was ready to die fighting, but suddenly, she noticed Sami smiling. In the same tone Bray had used with Abigail, Sami said, " _Moxley,_ he says he can wear a fanny pack!"

Dean Ambrose or Jon Moxley or whatever he went by these days immediately flew into a homicidal rage. "YOU. COULD. _NEVER._ WEAR. A. FANNY. PACK!" He screamed before charging at Bray with his fists flying.

Bray began to sing as if drawing on the power of the words. _"He's got the whole wo-orld in his hands, he's got the whole wide wo-orld in his hands, he's got the-"_

 _"Sweeeeeet Caroline- bah-bah-bah, good times never seemed soooo good!"_ Dean interrupted.

Bray looked startled. He got louder. _"He's got the whoooole world in his hands! He's got-"_

Dean increased his own volume. _"I've been inclined to believe they never would..."_

 _"He's got-"_

 _"Hands… touching hands... Reaching out..."_

 _"He's-"_

 _"Touching me..."_

 _"He's got-"_

 _"Touching yooooooooou!"_ Dean manifested a fork and raked it against Bray's teeth and gums as he added, _"Sweet Caroline! Bah-bah-bah, good times never seemed so good! I've been inclined to believe they never could, oh yeah, yeah..."_

As Bray collapsed sobbing and covering his mouth, it was clear who had won. Sami threw his arms around his best friend as Rowan and Velvet put a straightjacket on Bray.

Only Jess noticed Abigail still looking homicidal. She'd often worn the same look while lurking in the shadows. She roared at Abigail. Abigail roared back. They nodded at each other before Abigail faded away. Jess suspected it wasn't over, but for today, at least, they were done.

Dean looked at Velvet. "Sami... Those titties! I _must_ master them!" He said.

"Huh? Whose titties?" Sami asked with no interest as he looked at Jess, fully distracted by his girlfriend. This made Jess smile.

Dean reached toward Velvet, but Jess grabbed his hand. "Unless you want the Dudleys putting you through a table, you might not want to do that," she advised.

Dean snapped out of it. "Right. Thanks," he said. "So,I saved your bitch ass," he told Sami. "Now buy me lunch."

As Velvet and Rowan led Bray away to God only knew where, Jess relaxed. The world had been saved again, and now she and her favorite CZW boys could eat in peace, at least until their next adventure began...


	3. Chapter 3, Suck It At A Superkick Party

**SAMI AND JESS SUCK IT AT A SUPERKICK PARTY!**

It was just another typical Sunday night. Sami and Jess were walking through the woods looking for a place to make out when suddenly, something moved in the bushes.

"What was that?" Jess asked.

"Probably the bunny from _Monty Python_ looking to kill us," Sami said. "Don't worry, Jess, I'll protect you!"

Jess kissed him before saying, "I'm pretty sure _I_ do the protecting in this relationship." She heard it again. "Wait… Seriously, what _is_ that?"

Suddenly, two people emerged from the bushes, each with one leg in the air. "Superkick Party!" They yelled as they tried to kick their way through.

"Matt? Nick? Are you guys okay?" Sami asked, recognizing the Young Bucks.

"We're great!" Matt said.

"We're having a Superkick Party!" His younger brother Nick added.

"Suck it!" They yelled in unison, looking toward another set of bushes.

"Who are you talking to?" Jess asked.

"Us!" Someone shouted. Two men popped out of the bushes. The one who'd spoken had on a cowboy hat, and his companion was Sami's former boss.

"Shawn Michaels? Triple H?" Jess asked. "What the fuck is going on?"

"These brats think they're cooler than us!" Triple H said. "We're here to show them that DX is still in charge!"

"Yeah!" Shawn shouted. "So they can just go home and Suck It!"

"No! _You_ suck it!" Matt shouted.

"Yeah! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!" Nick added.

Pretty soon, all four were taking turns yelling "Suck it!" Jess looked at Sami in frustration.

"Don't worry, Babe," Sami said. "I know what to do." He paused, jumped between the four, and shouted louder than anyone else, "SUCK IT!"

Jess rolled her eyes as this started the others up even more. Finally, Jess went on the attack. She grabbed Triple H by his throat and choke slammed him. She superkicked Matt in the face. She hit Shawn with the Demon Drop. Finally, she powerbombed Nick onto the grass. Sami wisely ducked out of the way before she could turn on him, too.

"NO ONE IS SUCKING ANYTHING! Are we _clear_?" She demanded. "Bucks, you guys are, like, _twelve_ and probably have nothing to suck! Shawn, you're old and it probably doesn't work no matter _how_ much someone sucks it. And Triple H? After Stephanie's been near it, I'm pretty sure I'd catch something. So, seriously, stop it!"

The men fell silent. They stared at her in shock. "But… We need to determine who the greatest team is, Havok," Matt bravely said in spite of his fear.

"You guys need a _serious_ mediation," Jess said. "Now sit down. We're going to talk about this like grown-ups."

"But I don't wanna-" Triple H protested.

"No one _asked_ you," Jess snapped. He fell silent instantly. "Okay, let's take this slowly. Each of you, tell me what the problem is. Only one of you is allowed to speak at a time, and I swear to God, the first motherfucker who yells 'suck it' is going to die."

She pointed to Shawn. "You. Speak"

"Hi," Shawn said. "I'm Shawn Michaels, the Heartbreak Kid, one of the founding members of DX. My issue, if I may explain, is that these _morons_ stole _our_ gimmick!"

"No name calling!" Jess snapped. "Be nice."

"Use I-Statements!" Sami suggested.

"Sorry," Shawn said. "I _feel_ that these two guys are complete _morons_ because they stole _our_ gimmick!"

"That's better," Sami said. Jess rolled her eyes, but she let it go.

"We didn't steal your gimmick," Matt protested. "A ton of people have used superkicks before, and as far as the whole 'suck it' thing? It's an expression. Lots of people use it."

"Yeah," Nick added. "And we're really good at it. I mean, we work it into our matches way more than you guys ever did."

"You little brat! How dare you try to claim you're better!" Triple H shouted.

"I never said better, Dude. I just said we use it more. We're different."

"I think what he's trying to say is they use some of the elements of your gimmick to pay tribute to you guys," Sami said wisely. Jess was mildly impressed. "In fact, they respect you guys and what you've done for the business, and they just want to emulate that."

"Nice," Jess said. She kissed him.

"Thanks. I've been reading the dictionary to cure my insomnia. Anyway, I really don't think the Bucks meant to offend you guys or to rip you off. They're just trying to bring the love of your attitude to a whole new generation. Right, boys?"

"Actually, yeah," Matt said. "When we were kids, DX was about as awesome as they came. We wanted to be just like you guys. Well, you and the Hardys… But you know, straightedge."

"We like to think we put our own spin on it," Nick added. "I mean, we do it differently, you know? We shout 'suck it' more, and we throw way more superkicks. The whole Superkick Party thing is _ours_."

"You guys could have been great," Triple H said. "You turned down NXT!"

"We turned down jobbing to guys who suck," Matt corrected him. "You'd have changed our gimmick and made us jobbers and kept us down. It's what you do. We refused to sell out for money."

"So you went to Ring Of Honor? I mean, what the hell kind of move is that?"

"You sold out anyway, Boys. You gave up your indy shows for Ring Of Honor," Shawn added.

"He makes a good point," Sami said.

"At least at ROH, they treat us with respect," Nick said.

"What? I respect you guys," Triple H said.

"Really? I don't see that," Matt said.

"You're great. Would I have tried to recruit you otherwise? I want you boys on _my_ payroll, not someone else's."

"That won't ever happen, Man," Nick said. "But I appreciate the kind words."

"See? You guys aren't so different, but they also didn't steal your gimmick," Sami said. "Can we all be friends now?"

"But… I wanted a Superkick Party," Shawn and Nick said in unison with matching pouts.

"How about a compromise? Instead of attacking each other, let's use that energy against someone who deserves it," Sami said. "Who out there _really_ deserves a Superkick Party?"

"I know! Let's throw AJ a Superkick Party," Nick suggested. "We kicked him out of our stable, after all. Traitor!"

"AJ Styles? But he's so over!" Shawn protested.

"Exactly! He's more over than Reigns… He _must_ be stopped!" Triple H suddenly agreed.

"That's a _great_ idea!" Matt chimed in.

And so, it was settled. Sami tracked down AJ Styles and lured him into the woods. AJ entered with no idea where this was headed. Then, without warning, Matt and Nick ran out screaming, "Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!"

AJ immediately ducked, knowing what was coming. He turned to run, but to his shock, he ran straight into Shawn and Triple H. Their kicks connected. Shortly after, so did Matt and Nick's. The Superkick Party lasted for several minutes before AJ curled up in a fetal position and they decided to stop.

"That was awesome!" Matt said.

"Totally therapeutic!" Nick added.

"Do you guys feel better? I know _I_ do!" Shawn said.

"Sami, Jess, you guys should go into business as mediators! That was fantastic!" Triple H said.

"We should do it again!" Nick said.

AJ cowered and let out a cry of protest. "Not on _you_ , Dude, don't worry," Nick added quickly. "On other people who deserve this even more…"

"We'd be a Superkick Army!" Matt declared.

"The DX Bucks!" Shawn added.

"Yes! We're strongest together! We'll be _unstoppable!_ " Triple H proclaimed.

"Um… I think we just created a monster," Jess said to Sami.

"Who cares? This is awesome!" Sami said.

"Alright… Let's find the biggest dickbags on the planet-" Shawn started to say.

"Shawn, you can't say dickbags! It's not PG," Triple H scolded him.

"Oh. Right. Sorry. Let's find the biggest _dirt_ bags on the planet and superkick the hell out of them!"

"Great idea! I know just where to start!" Nick said.

"Where?" Triple H asked.

As it turned out, there were several people Nick felt needed a good Superkick Party, and the others were quick to agree. Together, they superkicked Hulk Hogan, Sunny, DJ Hyde (which Sami and Jess took great joy in watching), Alberto Del Rio, Donald Trump, Ric Flair (although Shawn told him he was sorry and he loved him first), Vince McMahon, and that Dude from Verizon who was always asking "Can you hear me now?" (Simply because Shawn was frustrated with his cell phone service.) Soon, their Superkick Party took over the world.

Sami and Jess watched this all curiously. "That went well," Sami decided.

"How so?" Jess asked. "They're out of control and attacking anyone who annoys them."

"They didn't destroy each other, which would have destroyed the world of wrestling, so that's good. Also, they _left_."

"So?"

" _So_ we're finally alone to make out!"

Jess grinned at him. "You have a point." She pulled him into her arms and they soon forgot about the rest of the world, which was now one big Superkick Party. _(Hey, there were worse things, right?)_

 _ **AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_ _Thanks to TakerReigns for pointing out how Jess might handle the Bucks yelling "Suck It!" I quite agree, and I decided she needed to address Triple H and Shawn, too. I appreciate the inspiration._


	4. 4, Vote Deathmatch

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_ _An Election Day story seemed to be necessary with the current state of the world… Enjoy!_

 **SAMI AND JESS VOTE DEATHMATCH!**

It was a cold, frightening Tuesday in November when Sami and Jess stood outside making out. "Hmmm," Sami said after a moment. "There are an awful lot of people lining up outside of that school today."

"It's Election Day, Sami," Jess reminded him. "That's why we're here."

"Really? Who's running again?" Sami asked.

"Vince McMahon's drinking buddy and the same person who ran the country while Bill Clinton was having fun in his office."

"Monica Lewinsky?" Sami asked, his eyes going wide.

"No, Dummy, _Hillary_ ," Jess said, whacking him on principal.

Sami wrinkled up his nose. "I'm not sure I like either of those choices. Let's vote for someone else!"

"Like who?"

Sami considered that. "John Cena!" He declared.

"Don't make me stab you."

"But we'd be able to invade all the other countries because no one would see him coming!" Sami insisted. "You can't see me-"

"No. Just, _no_."

"Then what about Dean? Yeah, Ambrose for President! He only grabs your pussy with _permission_ and he can't work a computer, so he never sends any questionable e-mails!"

Jess laughed. "Who'd be his running mate?"

"Roman. Duh."

"And his First Lady?"

"Seth, of course!"

"What would his campaign platform be?"

"I don't know... Does it _matter?_ It's not like either of _these_ candidates has managed to form a coherent argument about their political platforms either."

"Sure they have. His platform is she's a liar and a nasty woman, and her platform is he's an idiot and a rapist."

"So they've both done a great job of convincing me not to vote for the other guy, but I'm still not sure why I should vote for either of them."

Jess paused. "You're right... I mean, clearly Trump is a major heel, but is Hillary _really_ the babyface? It's like watching Rusev wrestle Braun Strohman. There's two people, sure, and one of them has to win, but who the fuck cares when it's a choice between an asshat and a fucktard?"

"You're right!" Randy Orton said, appearing out of nowhere with an RKO to the nearest voter, an elderly grandmother who happened to be standing too close to him.

"Yes they are!" Another voice echoed, but Sami and Jess couldn't see him... And then, John Cena became visible as he took off his baseball cap.

"Hey, maybe we can hijack the vote!" Sami suggested.

"Hijack? How?" Jess asked.

"Like my buddy Daniel Bryan!" John declared. "His followers took over until Trips and Steph _had_ to listen to them!"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Daniel Bryan shouted from the front of the line.

"Change that... Vote Sami-Jess!" Randy suggested.

Bryan picked that up and started chanting, "Vote Sami-Jess! Vote Sami-Jess!" Slowly, people on the line began chanting with him, because that is what people do when Daniel Bryan starts to chant.

"Wait, us?" Jess asked.

"Why not? You guys are outspoken, stick to your beliefs, and can't be bought," Randy said.

"Not even by the McMahons!" John added.

"Babe... We could _totally_ do this," Sami said.

"Get me a cell phone! I'll tweet a video in support of your platform... What is it?" Daniel asked.

"If you don't know, why would you endorse us?" Jess asked.

"Have you _seen_ who's running? _Anyone_ would be an improvement!"

"I'm in!" Sami said. "Jessicka Havok for President! Vote Jess for Pres!"

"Catchy!" Daniel said. "Jess! For! Pres!" The line began to chant with him as though a spell had been cast over them.

"Why me?" Jess asked.

"Because it's about _time_ we had a female president, and I pity the nation that fucks with _you!"_ He kissed her. "Besides, I'd make a super sexy First Lady."

"Alright... Record this," Jess said. Randy pulled out a phone as she began speaking loudly over the crowd's Jess! For! Pres! chants. "My fellow Americans, I implore you to vote for the Havok-Callihan Death Machine. What do we stand for? We stand for equal rights for _all._ If you're a good person, we support you. If you're a bad person, we will _destroy_ you! We shall replace wars with death matches! Why bomb innocent people when we can just put the bad guys through plates of glass and burning tables and beat them with barbed-wire-covered baseball bats?"

"Barbed wire, not bombs!" Sami cheered.

"We will stop letting the government dictate our health, because my body is my business! We will drink copious amounts of liquor and help each other avoid making poor choices! We will become a nation of friends, but if you piss us off, we can and _will_ throw your ass off of a tall platform onto thumb tacks, broken glass, and rusty nails!"

"We'll make Death Matches great again!" Sami declared.

"Jess! For! Press!" The crowd began cheering louder.

"Hit my music!" Bobby Roode shouted.

 _Glorious_ began to play as the crowd continued to chant. After a minute of basking in the glorious glory of the music, Bobby said, "I'm Bobby Roode, and I approve this message because Jessicka Havok will make a _glorious_ president!"

Suddenly, Matt Hardy appeared. "America is... _Broken!"_ He declared. "I had come here today to DELETE America, but it seems this nation may not _yet_ be Obsolete! If you cast thy ballot in favor of Lady Havok and the Callihan Death Machine, I believe America will _escape_ Deletion! Listen well, my Army of Deletion! We must stand together and DELETE Trump! DELETE Hillary! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!"

As half of the crowd shouted "Jess! For! Pres!" the other half followed it up with"DELETE!" This continued until _Glorious_ stopped playing and the camera was turned off.

Jess didn't think much would come of it, but it had been fun while it lasted...

Several hours later, long after the polls had closed, both camps were shown on television awaiting the results... "People of America, we have your results!" The official said. "I... I don't believe it!"

"Clearly, I've won!" Donald Trump said, sending his people into wild cheers.

"No... No, you haven't won," the official said.

"We did it!" Hillary declared. "America, you made the right choi-"

"No, no, you didn't win, either," the official said. "People of America, we have made history today as a write-in candidate has won the Presidential Election! Jessicka Havok and Sami Callihan won by a landslide!"

As the candidates dropped their jaws in shock, the world breathed a collective sigh of relief, knowing that America was finally in good hands.


End file.
